Once again you get dinner and all I get is semen on my leg
Trying not to fart in the comp lab is going to take everything i've got.
you know you made some mistakes when your last two boyfriends are both obsessed with women's curling...
tailgaiting my last final, a perfect sendoff.
Just got blown whilst getting my high score on bejeweled blitz. There's still a month and a half left of summer and my bucket list is empty...
well seeing as i got a call at 5 am from the hotel manager telling me my cousin was passed out on the lobby floor...not good
come in to starbucks and ill make you a 4loko latte before theyre banned
I saw him coke blaxckout on the subway at 9 this morning yelling at people callig himself the gatekeeper.
Is adulthood just morning sex and then walking through the grocery store 20 min later looking for something to take to work for lunch?
...and then running into your dad at said grocery store...
Good news. I heard back from the doctor and I don't have a liver problem.
...yet.
Got super judged by this lady at the Rolling Stones concert last night. Bitch don't look so salty at my dad and I splitting two joints, an edible, and two margaritas. It's the stones.
Pretty sure I'm about to get another tattoo. It'll have mom in there somewhere for Mother's Day.
That's fine. It's not illegal to bring ham into a museum.
Me and my liver are not on speaking terms.
We're gonna start a pole dancing competition or a bar fight. Stand by for results.
Randomize
