please tell me I'm in your upstairs bedroom. Just google mapped myself and I have no idea where I am.
I definitely just put my boxers on backwards.
haha now u have to piss out ur bum
hell yes lets make some ravioli
Well I think that's a good thing that I'm not full of someone else.
He's a collector of sorts
Any cool stuff?
You should see the collection of booggers in the carpet next to his desk
Found a guy passed out on the coffee table with a thong duct taped from ear to ear.
I just can't have sex with a guy who has nicer eyebrows than me
If I don't end up being a booty call for Valentine's Day, you wanna go to the movies?
I feel like as your wife, as cool with your decision-making skills as I usually am, there should be a bigger explanation to you adopting a child while I'm in Houston.
Oh you know same old same old. just eating pizza after faking extreme night terrors to get a one night stand to leave my apartment
He came so hard that he yelled what sounded like a spell from Harry Potter.
I'm sitting at my kitchen table alone dressed as a dinosaur smoking bowls in the dark. Is this rock bottom? Or is this living the dream? Who's to say
So many questions so I’ll prioritize. How did I survive last night?
There is way too much butt cleavage here for a formal event.
The last time we went to a costume party, you walked around in a loincloth with a cross and said you were Jesus. I'm eager to see how much more offensive you can be.
Randomize
