I just wanted to let you know that if you dont tell me to stop texting i will still keep on trying, you matter to me
restraining order is on its way, crazy bitch
I would like to be the first to explain to you that if you've woken up with bruised knuckles this morning, it's because last night you tried climbing out of our car window and into the drive through window at maccas. The cashier chick freaked out and slammed the window on you and beat you around the head with her headset thingy.
Shittttttt.
Be not ashamed. It was youtube-worthy.
He dyes his hair, fake tans and lies constantly. What did you really expect from him?
A better fuck for starters.
i just heard a guy call his kid "Google" in a way that leads me to believe that's his name. this day couldn't get worse.
We videoed ourselves having sex... I now know why I close my eyes during sex
She got subburned last week and her bikini ties in the middle...when I took off her shirt, there was a sunburned bow between her boobs. Like a present. Happy birthday to me!
I mean I had a leg brace. It would have been irresponsible for me to be on top.
Me and your penis are best friends. You don't know it, but I whisper my secrets whenever I give you blowjobs. We even have a secret handshake. We can't be separated from each other. We just can't.
We're going to shave my junk and take pictures of it wearing fake mustaches we found at the dollar store. They're uncannily realistic; much better than the cockstaches of my youth.
Just did a drug deal on the toy aisle at walmart, Merry Christmas
being pregnant is like rehab
Whos eating a bunch of acid and watching fireworks tomorrow? This guy. Thats who.
Is it bad to have a craving for speed? I feel like my nose is thirsty.
dude he's still passed out in my bathtub. and his dick is half way in a 40 bottle... i really hope he was just trying to piss in it
She's relieving herself in the laundry room. I'm really hoping there's a toilet in there...
Randomize
