My grandmother just called to say she disowned me. Apparently I uploaded a video to Youtube of me dancing nude with a blow-up doll named Dorothy, last night. You are so fired from being damage control.
If I'm gonna go to jail I'm gonna be wearing a poncho
if your not going to answer your phone this is just going to be an embarrassment tomorrow
Chasing bourbon with pepto... Dedication.
I'm one ex away from doing an entire victory lap of all of the guys I've hooked up with since second semester of freshman year. Single me is scary.
Disregard the shoes in the freezer.
There was a pirates of the caribbean marathon on. No matter how much you like rum, it is NOT possible to outdrink the pirates. They always win.
Thanks to you and Ketel One I now have a court summons with the actual word "frolicking" on it.
I asked what you thought of her and you replied not the biggest I have had
I was unconscious Saturday for like 6 hours after I passed out on the sidewalks of our nation's capital. Thank you America, for bottomless brunch.
I apologize for tapping your ass. It was a friendly tap. Like Casper. Ya know
Please tell me I was just dreaming when I asked if I could borrow your jesus dildo
Yes, ur purse got stole with our condo keys in it but my slut ass saved us and we had a place to stay, AND I got to choke a motherfucker while riding him. Thats taking one for the team.
You know that pill i snorted last night? Yeh, its just hitting me now..... At work
At least they took the pillow of my bed before they had sex. My friends are so polite.
Randomize
