Any questions about why there was a scuba tank chilling in the hot tub this morning?
Dubbing lion king over planet earth. That stoned.
Did you bedazzle the elevator?
Just remembered seeing jalepenos in my vomit last night. Reminded me to thank you for sharing your queso with me. You're a good friend.
I guarantee that wasn't the first penis someone placed on her forehead.
Kinda forgot to grab tampons. Mind if I run to my house to get one? I'd rather not turn my green skinny jeans Christmas colors
I'm never drinking with you again. I woke up in Midtown with a 7' tall Norwegian rugby player named Lexie. Never. Again.
Yesterday I dumped him, went out for my birthday, hooked up with someone else, and today he still fed my cat. Living with your ex ain't so bad . . .
It wasnt until i started dancing that i realized i pissed myself dude. I dont think shes gonna call me back.
I'm still me, I just happen to have things in my porn library that you may not have expected
Only you would come out as bi like that
jesus, I think that canada gold metal game has completely changed all rules of acceptable drinking habits, I was fucked untill noon and I just got invited to go party when I get off work...at 600am...and NO ONE understood why i was hesitant
well i maturbated this morning, which means the best part of my day has already happened.
I told him I had the birth control implant in my arm and he looked me in the eyes, said "Science!" and came in me
in mid sex he pointed out my great gatsby tattoo and we started discussing themes and metaphors from our fave fitzgerald novels
you need to stop fucking English majors
i really love you but i feel kinda dumb about it
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