dude I just sharted for the first time ever, kind of gross
well what did you think, shitting your pants would be fun
Boys can't fool me. I know "want to come up and meet my dogs?" is just a nondirect way of saying "come up and meet my penis".
mom just told me i had to find a fake by next wednesday.
I get way too drunk to be trusted with family heirlooms
this ms. usa coverage has sucessfully humbled every girl here. depressed fish in a leaky barrel. go!
We dared each other to drink Arbor Mist, and I waterboarded someone with tequila.
Most senic walk of shame ever. This is why you go to school in Hawaii.
Also-when I die, I want it to be with my arms above my head so that when rigor mortis sets in, my breasts are perky.
Dear God, please let me get my period. And if this one is fiercer than usual I completely understand.
I'm terrified that I'm going to have a baby with a guy who posts snapchat stories while ignoring my texts
We had sex while watching the republican debate. I'm not sure how he maintained an erection watching Donald Trump speak.
Let he who has not made drunken spaghetti at 3 a.m. cast the first stone.
I'm driving to his house to eat chicken and hopefully have an orgasm
In other news, just had to pluck an ingrown pub with the pliers from my multi tool while sitting on the toilet at work.
I left my Bacardi and dignity in your freezer. Will come get it later.
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