Are you with Adam and his vodka?
Yeswdsssss I masde his pickle gi away ans he go anbnoued
Pls don't use the words alligator, purple, and sperm in the same sentence ever again.
He freaked out when I started to orgasm. He said he never knew girls could orgasm too.
There's a hand-carved wooden bong in my backpack, and i really wish i could remember last night now.
She said, "awww, you're so sweet" after I started putting on a condom. How many STDs have I just contracted?
Just sharpening my eyeliner with a butterfly knife. You know. Typical weekday morning.
What people don't tell you about near death experiences is they give you a full on chub
You work today? I woke up with a raging boner that was whispering your name
passed out in the hallway last night, now I'm sitting down in the shower, eating lukewarm canned soup out of Tupperware, listening to Carly rae jepsen.. I had a rough night.
I just compared his sexting to a plate of spaghetti. And he STILL wants to sleep with me.
Sometimes I actually rage on Tuesday, come back, and do homework drunk and pull an all nighter.
Haha it's harder than you'd think to come up with ways to turn your penis into a Christmas drawing
If TJ is short for Trader Joe, I'm gonna fuck him
I made my uber driver take a pit stop between clubs so we could restock on Xanax. #priorities
All of my friends are hooking up and here I am, the lone asexual, looking for someone to eat these tostitos with me.
Randomize