So how was awkward coffee with forgets-your-name?
I just found a bagel and a condom in my coat pocket. I love blackouts
His mom walked into the kitchen smiling, made a scotch on the rocks, hit my bong, and told us goodnight enthusiastically. He's suddenly more appealing to me.
he broke into my appartment and left me a waffle maker...
I'd be a gr8 surrogate. I'm gonna love your fetus
It's a lightpost hitting you in the head. Of course it's going to hurt the day after.
My roommate made me a peanut butter and sprinkles sandwich. Maybe tonight isn't that bad
Not sure if you carved a butthole or vagina in that pumpkin but that didn't stop high Phil from mounting. My study group is horrified.
Unemployment check just came in. As soon as I stop pretending I have morals I'm buying weed. Puff puff pass uncle sam.
shes taking the breakup well, i walked in on her naked passed out wearing a turban with a bag of peanut butter choc chips in hand at 5 in the afternoon.
Wait. Wine + Crossbow..?
I told her the only thing I had going for me was my huge cock. She said she was willing to overlook my other shortcomings.
Just switched my underwear without taking my pants off don't ever be ashamed to be related to me
i had an epiphany while laying on the driveway for 5 hours yesterday.
i realized i waste a lot of time
Um ... did I have a lizard on my shoulder last night at the bar?
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