i just walked in on my sister drunkenly sobbing to sarah mclachlan. its time for an intervention.
didn't that happen to you last weekend?
shut up.
Im bringing wine tonight. Its from a merlot from nashville. i bet it'll taste like infidelity and teenage pregnancy.
found: crazy homeless guy quoting Quagmire lines to every chick he sees. i think i win the scavenger hunt.
i just heard her through the wall saying "not on my face! NOT on my face!" then a scream and "I SAID NOT ON MY FACE!!!"...nice work dude.
Went to get my tattoo today. Found out the piercing girl is bi. I may just get my nipples done to get hit on tomorrow. Confidence is low these days.
Speaking of gay, some dude in a life vest just goes, we should pull our dicks out! To larry. Were leaving now. I saw penis
Ok- my dad's ex-wife's Irish nephew. Weird if we fuck or not?
The acoustics in my bra are fantastic.
Time is so short and I miss you. (I just watched that commercial where the people all laugh and get older and die.)
You jumped into so many bushes for no reason
I'm doing an Uber ride of shame in a red, white and blue bikini top and America shorts. Good for me.
Your pictures have evolved a lot over the years but I think your angry dick pic phase was one of my favorites
I don't trust my subconscious. It sleeps with my exboyfriend sometimes.
how do i say "cradle the balls" in Italian
Way to fucking accidentally drunk dial me while you're talking to and buying other girls drinks. Don't call me.
Randomize
