Apparently on the way out of the ER i asked the nurse to doggie-bag me some more morphine.
I threw up so much beer last night that my puke had a nice head on it.
I could tell by the way he was holding my hand that he really liked you
I'm officially my mother.. Smoking in the garage pretending to take the dog out in a big ugly jacket
I hope no one at work will be able to read the "who wants body shots" on my chest. I forgot about it.
Just got tipped $5 for distracting some dude's gf while he got another girl's number. Bro-code at its finest.
While you were in the ER we decided to tailgate in the parking lot until security told us that's not allowed.
I think my whole family judged my ability to change under a blanket.
In a moving vehicle and other people in the car
You told me to ditch them in the park, and when she jumped onto the car to stop us, you told me to scrape her off against a parked Jeep. That drunk.
The woman in the hospital bed next to me just got diagnosed with flea bites on her vag.
Whaaaaaat? No way.
Now a discussion of pigs vs. dog as carrier.
How do i politely tell him his dick looks like it went thru a meat grinder?
I'm currently being signed up to be painted nude for a college art class. ah yes best high decision ever
I feel like I should throw some tampons around my workspace so everyone will know what's really going on
This is even better than the wine from my laundry basket
Guy fieri is speaking only to me. We make eye contact. My whole body is vibrating. My head is purring. I am literally marbles.
Randomize
