12 pack with dinner. Living by yourself is awesome.
i always forget guys have bellybuttons
I guess i tried to text 911 last night with "someone stole my bong." Thank god that doesn't work...
Yelling drunk tank or bust at a cop, not a good idea
Also, the wait staff kept prematurely clearing my Manhattans. Not sure if it was an oversight or a hint.
I don't care if shes your sisters age. Once someone is on my to do list theres only one way to get them off it
Every time you started making out for him we all cheered for you... that's what sorority sisters do - they cheer you on when you make bad life decisions at the bar.
At what point does "I'm too high to deal with you right now" stop being rude?
He got up when I started trying to balance my wine glass on his head.
Just resonded to a booty call with "how much effort is required on my part?" I think I've finally reached the point of smoking too much pot
I just bottomed with the last unicorn playing in the background. I've hit a new level of gay.
Sexting and pancakes... It's going to be hard to top that
So I thought you might like to hear how I went to sams club to print some pictures and suddenly there was 20 pictures of your dick and my snatch on the screen
In what world does 'I'm awake' at 2:30 in the morning on a wednesday translate to 'let's fuck' in the span of one text? Where has the romance gone?
I need to leave my mind and my stupid vagina are having fight over who's right
Randomize
