Sweetheart, you've always been a horrid bitch...
The doctor wrote 'condom retrieval' on my discharge paper.
Found you in the bushes with fireworks, a teacup and no shoes. Decided it was a bad time to wake you.
Our sex has gotten so much better since we broke up.
You misunderstood me....i wasnt asking and it is not negotiable
You're making this sound more like a hostage situation than a booty call.
Getting stoned at work has never been a good idea, but im always more than willing to give it another chance
Trying to figure out the logistics of putting my laptop speakers on this plate with the last slice of pizza. Too drunk to move the plate. Not an option.
That awkward moment when the dude you blew on camera in college friend requests you on Facebook.
Who is this?!????
That awkward moment when you think you're texting a friend the above statement, but instead you text a stranger.
I just hit on a guy in a doughnut store... is that too suggestive?
I can control the tv with my phone while pooping on the second floor. I thought you should know for future reference
You said you couldn't use your body anymore so you made me push the buttons on your phone while you made alien sound effects
so I was eating out this girl who was wearing my pirate hat In an alley behind the bar last night and some girl walks up and takes a picture. apparently we had a crowd of about 10 and it turned her on so she just didn't tell me
How the fuck did we end up at a strip club last night.. We started the night playing bingo at a church
just curious, were the inflatable penis' received? Amazon says they were delivered.
I just thought you should know... Instead of a glass of wine before bed I am having a few shots of 1800. This is what being a night shift nurse will do to you... Standing in your kitchen in your undies doing shots
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