I think I know how big ted kennedy's penis is.
guys are only as good as the porn they watch
Just pulled my keys, cell-phone and a pack of cigarettes out from between my cleavage. This one guy's face was priceless.
I need to start giving them away because owning 20 dildos is never going to get me a boyfriend.
You refused to come over and kept yelling that you were gonna sleep on a car
I went out in a blaze of glory. I failed the field sobriety test by saying ABCD FUCK YOU.
The cops are here to take me to jail, so I guess I have to go with them. If I'm not out by 6 p.m., there is some left-over lasagna in the fridge for you.
My goal tonight is to get arrested because what cop can say they have ever arrested a giant sperm before. God I love halloween
I just crawled out of bed at 5AM to make her a peanut butter and Nutella sandwich. Somewhere in the distance, I could hear whips cracking.
Xanax and an ambien. And wine. I'm just waiting for mouth to mouth from some hot EMT. Sort of like the slutty girls version of sleeping beauty
You're dating a nurse! That's smart, you never know when you'll have a medical emergency. Probably liver failure.
I didn't punch him it was just love coming out of my fist
My synapses wont fire in a pattern that will process those facts
Ive only just recently decided that NOT fucking you would be best for both of us.
I'll have sex with you for tacos. I don't care, man.
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