also, made friends with this 75 year old millionaire Tony who likes to mosh. Don't ask.
After I made out with her she fell asleep and started pooting in her sleep. Are we sure lesbians are hot? Cause that wasn't.
His foreplay reminded me too much of breastfeeding.
Sometimes one must go to great lengths and make great sacrifices to get drunk. I willingly accept the challenge.
in the past 3 nights i've fucked a millionaire, a drug dealer and a civil engineer... i dont really have a "type" anymore
Thanks for not stopping me when I decided to call my mom at 2 in the morning to ask her where I was born
I'm sorry for peeing on your door. But it was your decision to open it.
I just conducted a skype meeting drunk and in the middle of a cornfield. I don't even think they noticed.
I don't know, I kept pretending that I was riding an elephant during. It was actually really fun, but you can't tell him that!
He's rescued me passed out naked on the playground next door and I've rescued him passed out naked in the middle of campus. That's why we're a great couple.
and everyone will high five me and girls will approach me offering blowjobs
After you puked in the bathtub you claimed you were never eating quesadillas again and you never even ate a quesadilla
My walk of shame wasn't complete until I projectile vomited clutching my truck bumper while he just smiled with that look of regret.
I'm a lady. Ladies do NOT hump the floor.
on a campus of 30,000 people, i should not be able to see every single guy I've ever hooked up with at one party.
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