I'm at the store buying plan b and vodka
the cocktail of hope
There is a banner on a house by campus that says "welcome to college dads. Thanks for dropping off your daughters!"
last time i saw her she was begging the broken jukebox to play lady gaga.
Dear vodka that I hid in a water bottle in the backseat of Blairs car, I'm sorry that she gave you away to a man on side of the road with an over heated engine. I'm sure the car doesn't appreciate you as much as I would have.
Now that my 6 day bender is behind me, I just realized I might have been the one who took a shit in our mailbox that past few days.
Haha that's why you never name the penis. Its like a pet, once named you will most likely get attached.
Hey so when you left last night was i wearing shoes?
I pulled up iMessage on my computer and I'm pretty sure two people in my class saw that dick pic you sent. Sorry!
he has the ass of a greek god and he made me breakfast
Well puke fest 2014 just happened
I have shit my pants twice this week. #adulthood
I'll truly miss your penis but your use of words and phrases such as bae, yolo, swag, and totes have ruined how attractive you once were.
I just realized I have a habit of pre gaming for therapy visits. Problem?
We'll discuss it when you get here
I can't say too many people would say watching their drunk best friends fuck in a hot tub is very normal.
Look don't ask questions just know that one thing led to another and I have a shot glass stuck in my ass. I need your help!!!
Randomize
