You should see the damage i did to the apartment last night. So many broken things and butter sticks stuck to windows.No memorys
im pretty sure this vending machine only exists when im drunk
Any idea who the guy in my bed tagged as rattlesnake dick might be?
As payment for all the times you have babysat me while im drunk, im giving you the shorts i stole from the guy i stayed with on friday night. They're clean. Come get em.
I'm naked in the window of the hotel and I feel like I'm walking in slow motion like a robot
Just so we're clear this time around: This is dinner with my FAMILY. Not an opportunity for you to drink too much, and use the word "dick-thumpin" in casual conversation.
Ok- my dad's ex-wife's Irish nephew. Weird if we fuck or not?
I have fireworks and redbull; let's make heart attack inducing magic happen.
Remember that picture you sent me of you trying to eat the flower arrangement in the bathroom at that restaurant?
antibiotics and champagne: breakfast of champions
We literally solved our fight using cat pictures on Instagram. True love.
We have angered the beer gods. It feels like I'm shitting angry cats.
all I remember the next morning was crawling through the doggy door and finding my underwear in my purse
Youre a wreck. Youll be in your dorm weeping to project runway covered in pizza sauce and smelling of stale beer
The bar brought brought it upon themselves, they played billy joels piano man before closing, it's not our fault the bar isn't a bar anymore, right?
Randomize
