I woke up with my left arm looking like it got mauled by a lion. Oo and she said someone broke her car window.
Just realized these events may be related.
It seems to me that once you begin comparing Jesus to hercules and calling him a super pimp you should put the wine away...
I might come over. Something about you makes me matronly and I have this urge to nurse you back to health with soup and a blowjob
when I was too drunk to walk on my own two feet, he stole a shopping cart from the grocery store at the corner and proceeded to wheel me back to my apartment.
Then he tucked me in, gave me a goodnight kiss and slept on my sofa. I woke up this morning and he was making waffles.
he is a god among men.
You're on Grindr at the STD clinic. I love you.
No night ever ends well that starts with "you know what this needs? More tequila".
You never know how much you love your bed until you sleep with 4 other people in your car.
I'm drinking straight vodka and railing lines of adderall while writing a paper about the nature of Jesus. It's 6:50 in the morning. College.
(This is the second time ive been high enough to decide to run for office)
Hey guys guess what I found in my bed this morning? I wish it was a man..but it was a potato
No you don't understand. This tree is really alive. Like in Pocahontas.
I've never seen an uncircumcised penis. I mean in person. I've clearly seen an uncircumcised penis. I have the google.
She is 6 months pregnant and gets more action at bars than I do.
I think you're literally the first guy to ever pick up a chick from pinterest.
I like to send nudes ok? If that's my biggest flaw I think I'm ok
Randomize
