sometimes in life you just needs hand puppets
He has a chalkboard tally in his bathroom of "Me vs. Toilet". He's losing.
Am i fat?
Well i wouldnt let you on top
Do they take checks?
Did you really just ask me if you could write a check for a DRUG DEAL?
Getting business cards printed for tonight. Would you rather be: 1. Vice President of Argentina 2. Celebrity Dental Assistant or 3. Dial-Up Internet Technician
3. Dial-Up Internet Technician.
I don't think of it as I'm taking a pole dancing class...its more like I'm making myself recession proof
All i really wanna do tonight is get drunk with you and dance on tables. is that too much to ask?
Post walk of shame: realized the underwear I put on when I left was another girl's underwear.... woof
If throwing a bottle across the bar, hitting a skank in the head and not getting caught was an Olympic event, you'd bring merica the gold every time
Simple math equation: Up till 5 a.m. drinking + up at 9 a.m. for nephews birthday party = puking in the pool
Can I come by? I want you to meet my squirrel
I woke up and my backpack was empty. He used me for sex, and back to school supplies.
ill be home in an hour. Be in my bed ready for disappointment
I threw up in a wendys bag in her car. when i went to throw it out the window it exploded all over me. No I don't think there will be a second date.
one nice thing about being home: no walks of shame, just drives of shame
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