Instead of having sex, we spent the entire night making pillow forts and have sword fights. I think I'm in love
You should come over. I am making a celebratory I got laid by a huge penis cake.
And my fence, why is part of it on the roof?
there are two kinds of girls in this world: my mom, and sluts.
Nope we're in the ER. He lit himself on fire trying to impress another girl with magic tricks.
I passed out on the floor of a truck stop. Drinking binge 2011 is now over.
I never thought I'd say this but my vagina is taking a serious break for awhile
Nobody knows who the hobo or dude who whipped out his balls is
He motorboated me, gave me a business card that said congratulations on my motorboat, then disappeared into the night.
Find him and marry him.
Come on down you're the next contestant on "lets go drinking!"
Fucking in bar bathrooms doesn't count as "rushing things"
I gave his daughter swim lessons and in exchange he sold me an ounce. I feel so accomplished.
I love it when strippers help me get other strippers numbers.
we had to take 10 shots sometime before midnight, then 11 shots between midnight and 1. so yes its gonna be a rough day.
Apparently I told the mayor I want to be a trophy wife
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