i kinda do this "flirt with girls and pretend to be a hot white guy named chris" thing
You left half a beer on someones car and claimed it was a second day of hanakuh gift
I was just given a safe word. It's going it be an interesting night.
St Patricks Day is not the day you decide to have a sober epiphany.
Tough to be a good wingman when you puke on yourself and everyone w/in a 5 ft radius at the FIRST bar we go to so don't tell me to step my game up
Just so were clear I meant the head your face is on
Screw them and thier engaged asses. I've got liquor to drink and boys I don't know to make out with.
bring the dog... nobody goes to jail with a dog.
I've thrown up in front of nearly every customer we've had today.
You force fed me pizza in bed last night. That was fun
I think the last straw was when you put on ice skates to go across the waxed wooden floor.
my roommates tied me up with rope and duct tape then left me outside the door to the hot girls' suite on my floor, knocked on the door and ran away leaving me there with a sign that says free
Two ladies just showed up with my fucking purse. It was in the fucking street. I'm a train wreck. As a financial advisor, this shouldn't happen. I should be an adult.
I have bruises all over my body. Seriously, I'm a train wreck. I'm too damn old for hangovers like this.
Look, you don't know disfunction until you've sat on the john taking a shit and crying while totally sober.
I text the word "masturbation" so much, all it only takes my iPhone to auto-spell it is for me to type "mas".
Randomize
