I just heard a girl in all seriousness say, "I told him I'm not a stalker. I just really really want to talk to him."
if i hear one more christmas song, i will fucking shoot myself.
Walking home still drunk in snow. Snowflakes are my only hydration..Need moreee
I'm thinking of writing "I have herpes" on my stomach in sharpie that way I'm not tempted to show my tits tonight
she went home with me because she said i reminded her of paul rudd. remind me to thank him for his awkwardness
I'm in the grocery store cradling a box of wine like it's my firstborn, so of course this would be the first and only time I've ever seen my boss outside of the office.
He told me the hand job I gave him this morning was "lovely".
I need a good reason NOT to eat this entire jar of nutella right now
The thing is you're all "holy crap this isn't nearly as bad as I thought pissing on my own face would be."
what's not responsible about a pool full of beer?
They only knew me as the lesbian that passed out in a bathtub. That's not what you call friendship.
A girl just told me she printed out my pictures and taped them on her wall. I have to stop sleeping with virgins.
How do I tell a friend I drunkenly broke into his house and may have lost his dog
Sorry we couldn't "turn off the mirrors." How're you feeling today?
Driving you two to the party with a keg belted into the back seat has given me a brief glimpse of parenthood. I am now more resolved than ever to never breed, so thanks for that.
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