Nothing commands respect in a meeting like Jack Daniels on the breath. You're fine.
hey is it cool if i invite some fat girls to the party so i can be the skinny one?
yeah okay. but if i take one home with me you have to come over in the morning and tell her to get her shit and go.
EVERY baby cries during their baptism. It's like they know from that moment on their parents are going to make them do lame things like their first communion and stuff.
I fuked that chick last night and she kept saying, "oh...oh....oh", like Bill Lumberg
so what did you do?
I did the mash I did the monster mash It was a graveyard smash!
her orgasm sounded like a fucking walrus crying.
i wish i could shrink down to the size of his dick so i could just thank it in person.
if i'm ever face-down on the ground puking again, promise me you won't try to braid my hair?
Is there a non-awkward way to tell a girl I work with that she looks just like my favourite pornstar?
He just tried to eat my hair and he keeps talking about pissing on everything, come home soon I beg of you
He goes "hi, free today?" WHEN AM I EVER FREE ON A SATURDAY, I GOT HUNGOVER TO BE AND DRUNK TO GET.
Thanks for the cold. I shartted and sat through a whole soccer game. James made 3 scores.
She pulled me up to my feet by my hair. I thought it was you for a second. My drunken angel savior.
there’s plenty of nice guys out there with good jobs and NO felonies!
I'm pretty sure I just came a kidney stone..
I appreciate the fact that you sent me a snapchat of your dick soaking in a cup of water.
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