I would wrestle an alligator for a bj right now
her teeth looked like a whores toenails, i was too horrified to
I feel like I got hit by a truck made out of Jack Daniels.
just saw a man remove a wedgie from his lady's ass. who says chivalry is dead.
we live in such a classy society.
I'm walking down the street with a Starbucks in one hand and a flask in the other. People seem to have a staring problem
Ok well I'll be up all night studying if you need a wake up call or a place to put your penis.
I think my new low is running outside in a towel to pet a particularly fluffy looking squirrel and projectile vomiting off the balcony.
I'm pretty sure I had my drunk fortune told by a gay Miss Cleo last night. At least it's advice sober me can agree with.
I was laying there trying to sleep and then he sat up, took out his dick, and put it on my shoulder. It wasn't even hard- it was just casually perched.
i need to start buying Plan B in bulk and leaving them at the door. I'm really sick of walking to CVS with my one-nighters
I need a costume for that party. Even if I'm just taking it off.
He was stoned laying on my bed singing I'm a little tea cup while I took a pregnancy test. Thank god it was negative.
I wore a bathing suit downtown so I didn't have to put on underwear, I obviously don't have my shit together
Dude I asked him to get me beef jerky at 4 am and he actually walked to CVS to get it. CVS closes at 12 but it was the perfect opp to dip out
Accidentally typed message to mom that included word "kink." FML. Played it off as autocorrect from "drink" which was somehow more acceptable
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