i messed up with two guys last night...one i pranked and left the phone on..the other one i went crazy on trying to be his girlfriend after four jagermeister shots...
I'm buying this stripper a house, I don't care what her name is.
trsut me youll find me, im the only kanye west here and every1 is chanting dbag at me
I cant believe Lindsay Lohan feels like this every day
Well let's just say that she ended up trying to get it in with the wheelchair guy, who btw, can get an erection and quickly I might add
We don't need a hotel, we'll just sleep in the post office.
We shot off some fireworks at 12 and then I orchestrated the group singing of god bless the USA all while wearing a don't tread on me flag as a cape. I repped hard.
He took getting"shit in your neighbors hot tub drunk" way to literally
Okay I know I said I was going to quit drinking for a while but apparently pumpkin pie flavored vodka is a thing and I will not rest until I have some.
There's some band that practices next door to my apartment. I'm thinking we may need to check that out. I could be like, "Hey boys, thought you might like some lemonade and vagina."
Good morning! So would you prefer me to show up kind of late or on time but looking like I got chewed up and spat out by an episode of Buffy the Vampire Slayer?
I punched the bar tender after he cut me off. Hopped over the bar and made my own drink. That's how I got tazed
NO BABIES. YOUR VAGINA WILL BLEED WITHIN A FORTNIGHT.
I couldn't even tell you how many times I've said "wrong hole" today
and then she sorta stared at me like "holy shit" and I looked down and my dog was licking her ass
Ruff night.
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