I'm just that much of a man that I can watch Ellen and Oprah back to back and still like girls.
His texts read Like a 15 year olds diary.
i just sold back the books i vomitted on
you have no chance. her best friend is a human abstinence poster.
One night stand. Woke up at her dad's house. She already left for work. Shit's about to go down.
All I need is the Internet and a place to drink.
Just got done fucking the squirter chick. She came when we were in a 69. I now know what it's like to be water boarded.
You're in a tuxedo, you can pee wherever you want.
Missing both credit cards and just had a flashback of grinding my nuts on the terrified cab driver for amusement. i am feeling a slight hate for myself right now.
"It's not a date, we're just spending the entire day at a concert and then getting high together." Awesome.
You have found the Promised Land of friend zones
I wanna come do a blessing for your apartment. And by that I mean I want to drink a lot of whiskey and watch ancient aliens in your apartment
I told him that if he cleaned the bathroom, I'd blow him. You could eat off the toilet. Seriously, get over here. This is the cleanest you'll ever see it.
I mean I've seen her tits but I don't know what her voice sounds like
You know something is wrong with your life when your mom is at the bar getting free tequila shots and you aren't
I'm about to do something based solely on the fact that a fortune cookie told me to. This may not end well.
Randomize
