I knew I had to get an abortion when his toddler sister came up to hug my leg and I kicked her off saying, "Get off, fucker."
Why does lindsey know I was naked in the kitchen?
All i remember is people cheering me on to drink faster than the dog, out of the dog's bowl. I just couldn't stop.
He only talks to me during the summer and it's probably because I let him fuck me in my pool last year.
how did we start talking about space blow jobs?
if I see a bottle of vodka right now I'll probably throw up gum I swallowed when I was a kid
I just want to hug my vagina but I can't!\nLike, I want to wrap my arms around it and say "I'm sorry"
Although I feel like awkward kinda describes your entire sexual history...
Lusting after Beyonce when you're a lesbian is like having a crush on Jesus. You just don't do it.
I went up by the border of Canada. We took shrooms and went fishing...pretty sure we killed a dragon and ate it for dinner
We were supposed to hurry because the restaurant closed at 9. I ended up giving him a blow job so we had to eat at Arby's instead.
That's not "anything", that's you deep throating a mozzarella stick.
would it be okay if I showed up at your house naked? and is your door unlocked?
I am drunkenly riding a razor scooter up and down the hills of Cincinnati
What in the fuck are you doing with your life
My Dachshund waddled into the room carrying a rolled-up pad in her mouth with period blood. This day is clearly off to a good start.
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