Don't text me when you know I'm doing lines on my phone
I'm drinking sangria out of a sand pail. I'll pass on tonight
The homeless guy out front said it's his birthday and he asked us to join him for happy hour after work. He's buying a fifth of gin to celebrate.
the back of my hand read, "say no to drugs." my palm read, "say yes to shots." when the fuck did I write that?
He looks like he got hit by a weed-eater with chlamydia
I petted my head, told my hair it felt beautiful and needed to be let free. Then pulled out my pony tail. Cheers to weed. I lose.
I got a letter from the home owners association saying its against policy to have sex on the trampoline.
Also his beard was very delicious looking. I wanted to touch it so bad, but I held back.
Is it socially acceptable to stop at the strip club for the lunch buffet on my way to the airport?
I am going to tweet NASA until they put me into space
Those rocketship riding assholes need the common man
fell down stairs ended up in underground bar now im dancing with trannies and best night of my life. lines of coke
So I considered mediating this morning and instead I master-bated...same thing right?
I went to Walmart last night to buy some CDs--which is a sentence I never thought I'd say in 2016.
I can’t believe I made out with a flat earther and didn’t know about it until now!
He grabbed at it like it was a stress ball or something. It's a boob, not a grapefruit. The fuck.
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