I just saw a dog and thought "Hey! A goat!" Then realized it was a dog. Now I'm sad.
I have been thinking about it and I am really glad we decided to order helmets.
Pretty sure my dad just walked in on me jerking off watching guys on webcam. Remember how I used to say "most awkward day of my life?" I'm retiring that phrase.
His facebook status is an owl city song. I'm so glad i didn't end up fucking him.
i dedicated my morning wood to you.
she said 'i love fried rice', threw a condom at me and passed out naked.
I remember your 21st ending with me driving you home while you insisted making bicycle signals out the car window.
We just set the fire alarm off with a fog machine. What's my first instinct? Finish my drink. I think I handled that correctly.
It's after midnight. I didn't find the answer to my problem, but I did find the bottom of a bottle of vodka, so... there's that.
I'm just a little concerned for your well being... and your penis too I suppose.
Was i rolling around in a parking lot last night
Just taking a shit and realized the captain planet theme song is stuck in my head.
At some point the phrase "I've hit rock bottom" stopped having a meaning and became my general state of life
Just trying to show you I care.
Isn't it supposed to be "what would you like for dinner?" instead of "how do you take your blow?"
Hey, you're the one who asked me to mc to move in.
Nah, we’re just sitting around talking about different kinds of boners
Randomize
