just saw a DUI checkpoint outside of a taco bell...i feel like thats cheating...
don't tell her this, but while we were doing it doggy style I picked up my phone and changed my status to "who let the dogs out"
I just talked to a CEO of a fortune 500 company while pooping. I LOVE being self employed.
Fighting the police is like screwing a fat girl, if I'm drunk enough I'll do it
VITAMINS IN VODKA. IM NOT LYING.
I'm so used to throwing up its no longer a game of hanging over the toilet. Now it's just 'stand up, aim for the toilet, do my thing' then walk out
Almost thought it was a good idea to call his parents to thank them for having a son with an awesome dick. That high.
Thou shall not celebrate other people's birthdays as if they were thy own
I found your knife. It was stuck in my bedroom ceiling.
Throwing up out both ends. This is not how I pictured adulthood.
I also point out to everyone that she looks like DJ's gf on Roseanne.
You used his ass cheeks to demonstrate how to play the bongos and he still called you the next day. That's true love.
I wish there was a tumbleweed emoji. Because that would describe my vagina.
can you tell me why i woke up in a diaper and combat boots?
No we didn't talk. I was high and doing naked yoga in the living room when she walked in so it was just awkward. I didn't even know my dad had a girlfriend.
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