I made out with a fat chick last night in a hot tub... btw I am breaking up with you
I just woke up to crumpled tissues everywhere. Looks like it was another night filled with tears and semen.
All i remember was he was wearing billibong pants... well actually my mom found that out for me.
How do I invite him to our 4th of July cookout without sounding too much like "hey you were my first orgasm and I want your dick inside my while watching fireworks"
He was about to puke, and so I handed him an empty beer can. In retrospect, not very helpful.
He fell asleep in the strip club and they paid some stripper $20 to sit on his face until he woke up.
He won't ever take me seriously if I keep getting drunk and hooking up with all his friends.
I made out with a guy because he was sitting on my coat...
Drunk me spoon fed everyone baby food last night.
you didn't want to pay for the shots so you negotiated with the bartenders. Apparently 1 shot is worth 5 seconds of motor-boating you.
You were doing bacon vodka shots and chasing them with barbecue sauce. You're officially fucking disgusting. I love you.
You were mean to me and you broke my heart and hurt my feelings. You dont get to talk to me about Peter Dinklage
i read his ps3 instant messaging thing... he's meeting a guy to have sex. i think your boyfriend's gay
You wouldn't eat with utensils. You insisted on making your own spoon out of a bendy straw and staples while singing "I'm a survivor" by Destiny's Child.
He was married to his college girlfriend for 20 years. Just give him the blow job he’s been fantasizing about since last century and he’ll be wrapped around your little finger
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