All I want to do right now is burp, puke, and fart. In that order.
Eating hibachi. The chef is squirting sake into my mouth with a ketchup bottle. Happened twice, more to come.
There are 9 condoms on my bed either i met the greatest girl ever last night or something horrible has happened.
Our brains have an emergency blowjob override switch. You saw proof tonight.
I cried and ate like 6 tacos in the taco bell parking lot at almost midnight, sober, alone, listening to a demi lavato cd. And that was the good part.
Only once have I found myself in the condom aisle holding a bundt cake...
they sound like some classy girls.
Hey, I don't give them daddy issues, I just take advantage of it. The real bad guy here is American parenting.
HURRY. I NEED DRUNK. MORE DRUNK.
Life is so difficult sometimes. Can you imagine? Going through life, constantly creating boners everywhere you go.
Definition of cool: he wants a back tattoo of three horses running through a "paisley explosion"
How did he even become this person? Like what drugs has he done??
Sometimes you have a glimmer of a heart and then I immediately remember you are dead inside.
I appreciate the I'll come bail you out of jail tone in the text
You burped in your shoe and whispered 'you're mine now'
I'm sorry my shit is everywhere... I accidentally got drunk while packing
I just hit 3 trees and a golf cart.. all on the same hole
Put me down for a bogey
Randomize
