no matter how many times i close my eyes and hit ignore on my phone. i must remind myself shit i still have to see her at work
im at that stage where all she has to do is cough or something and it pisses me off
ok, I understand that your bathroom door is broken, but at least close the blinds next time you take a shit. The entire parking garage just watched you.
saw a pregnant woman in a bridal gown standing on the side of the road while her car was getting searched by police....cheers to new beginnings
If I remember who won the superbowl tomorrow morning.. I think I'm just going to quit drinking. There really won't be a point anymore
Hey! I was tired. I threw up in two parking lots yesterday.
Breakfast-of-shame with my mother. I was in half of a sexy Mad Hatter costume. We had artisan bagels and judgement.
I'm high, watching "Scream" and eating a grilled cheese sandwich off my boobs. I'm not going anywhere
Come on, clusterfuck. Put on a pushup bra and get your fine ass to the bar, or you will be a sad single stoner forever
I'm using the Malibu pitcher you stole from the bar to make pancakes this morning. It's actually working really well.
You made out with both twins? Ten points to you!
When you're done railing that chick, there is still half a pizza and some ninja turtle mac and cheese down here if you want
Somehow I became in charge of getting my mother laid? This can't be my life? Lol
The moment you tore my shirt off I knew I wanted to spend the rest of my life with you
Typical Sunday morning text...are you alive?
I threw up in the middle of a bar last night and still managed to get laid! Happy thanksgiving!
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