When we were fucking i started barking and growling at her.. you shoulda seen her face
Just dunked an oreo in a white russian. Trying to think of a better experience in my life and failing.
Since when do you wear a bracelet?
Not a bracelet. Half a pair of handcuffs
FYI don't ever, ever get a lap dance from a stripper who says " she's having a bad day " at a bachelor party.
Partial kegs from last night are currently in my bathtub, which leads me to 2 questions: 1. What are you doing tonight? 2. Can I use your shower?
It's pitch dark except for the glow sticks, someone turned the heat up as high as it would go and the bathroom is flooded. Also think I just stepped on someone's face.
yeah the little voice in my head screaming YOU NEED TO GET LAID eventually grew legs and started kicking me so to avoid brain damage i had to fuck him
You went streaking and came back with your shirt inside out. Then said "it happens in the line of duty" and passed out.
So do you want to hear how I got the hickey first, or how I got the black eye?
BTW, you ever shave a dick into my dog, I'll cut you. I'll laugh first, but then I'll cut you
Pizza rolls are incredible. They are like sex, except I have them sometimes
Hey sorry for calling you so much last night. I mixed your number with the pizza guys, and he was running late
Ultimate fat girl moment: I promised him my mouth for the night if he bought me a funnel cake..
I just want somebody who'll randomly bring me pizza and lovingly squeeze my butt. Is there a dating app for that, do you think?
Does anyone remember last night? Because I still don't know why I now own a goldfish and a ceiling fan made of pizza?
Randomize
