Can I have the boy from 16 and pregnant's next baby???
There's half of a squirrel in the bathtub - i figured you'd be the one to go to.
not the best booty call
did she squirt?
only if tears count
You crawled through a doggy door 5 times for a shot if cheap vodka.
You made out with my dog and told me he tasted like a rainbow.
Tried to make hash outta one of those keurig machines. I don't know why. Maybe the drunkenness, but now I have mushy bud and no ganja
Please hurry up and come back. This is so awkward. He's showing me banana videos.
It sucks laughing and vomiting at the same time, trust me. I kind of remember
In hindsight following that black guy in the ghostbusters costume was a terrible decision on everyone's part
One of my interns found me on Grindr. I'm really gonna make him earn the absurd amount of money I pay him.
I'm not breaking up with him because his husky is having puppies.
Once you jizz in someones hat, you cant take it back.
I absolutely love waking up to see my phone search history is "xj" "qj" "cj" "uj" and "kj"
Unless your name is actually "Ticfj" like my phone says, I have no idea who you are...
As you were falling you yelled out, "save my burrito!" Priorities
Randomize
