I dumped him because he's never seen star wars. I'm certain I did the right thing.
We should steal a little kid and go to Chucke Cheese
And you kept hanging up and calling back because you thought I wasn't greeting you properly.
As your boss, I feel obligated to tell you that turning our management meeting into a kegger may just be the best idea you've given me yet.
Two words Indian burn...
What did she think it was, a shake weight?
Well at least he stopped keeping track of money by bottles of McCormick.
Playing hide and seek with all those cheeseburgers... Not our finest moment.
Remind me never to take that much Vicodin ever again. I laid in bed measuring my heart rate for an hour and a half because I was afraid it would stop.
you're good to come back. The bouncer pulled me aside and told me. He also said you have nothing to worry about and that you have an awesome "upper punch" or some shit
Im about to get a baby alligator stoned, what are you doing with your life?
I just saw a fat girl roll down the steps taking out three people with her, thought you should know.....
I told him if he wanted to lose weight he had to learn self control. Less than ten minutes after that I ate a cookie off the floor...
I'm using emojis for drug deals now. It's time to kill me.
Also epiphany: I gotta quit fucking with dudes that have never seen Harry Potter. They all turn out to be shitheads who probably eat honeydew.
I’m drunk and naked and looking for my charger - title of my autobiography.
Randomize
