Jake died.
WTF????????? That's how you tell me????
Oops typo. Jake cried.
I just google mapped his house on satellite so i can really see how much money he has. Does that make me shallow?
The Rock is playing the tooth fairy. I can't believe I used to smell what that man was cooking
I don't have a choice really. It's either lose 15 lbs by Halloween, or I'm going as a giant banana.
that's not even the weird part though. he already knew where the bathroom was, he might have been here before..
Freedom, beauty, truth, and love to all. I also probably have syphilis
Remembering I sold my brand new Blackberry to a stranger for a few pints = Worst night of my life. Now to work out what I did with my shoes.
I let a naked juice spill down my leg for like 30 minutes bc i thought i was hallucinating that my leg was cold.
Dude I am allergic to the candy dicks from that sex shop in Vegas. Come take me to hospital right now.
just walked across campus with a bottle of champagne in between my boobs. night two and the quest for classiness is already over
He pulled out a red and green condom and then started humming "Here Comes Santa Claus." Happy holidays indeed.
I feel like I'm in high school again. I'm completely sober and I just gave some guy a handjob to completion.
Observations from Vegas: #1. Strippers pasties pose a choking hazard. #2. Best. Heimlich. Ever.
And the next thing I knew I was blowing this random hot italian bartender with an uncircumcised penis in his work closet
so evidently blowing a guy does not mean he will say hi to you when he sees you in class.. in case you're ever wondering
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