I would like to feed your fingertips to the wolverines.
life lesson learned today: sleeping pills and laxatives don't mix.
It's sad the highlight of the night was you didn't electrocute yourself again.
He sent a pic, I sent one back. Then nothing. It's like we sext-messaged goodbye and ended the relationship.
Just think, this time last Cinco de Mayo you were holding me up and finding me passed out in the yard of that house.
So I've gone into the break room to heat up a styrofoam cup 8 times over the course of 4 hours.. that desperate to see him. Now I have a broken heart AND cancer.
I might've decided it was a good idea to try to steal all of the pool balls at the pub... I apologize in advance that we now need to become regulars somewhere (anywhere) else.
It was like the Alcoholic Olympics...double fisting fifths with eight 40s in my backpack...running from the cops in stilettos. I will have bitchin' hamstrings come Monday.
javelin tossed one of my crutches in to the mosh pit at the concert, hit some dude in the temple hahah fuck him he sucks
They were so big her bra clasped in the front. Didn't even know those existed.
Turn on the Discovery Channel
Lets fuck to motorcycle gang fighting
Hey, it's all about finding the bright side. And boobs are definitely a bright side.
I didn't even get crazy off of the coke so everything's fine. Also, I think I might have killed my aunt's dog..
Kids music just accidentally came on at this party. I didn't know how many stoners were here until they all sang along.
Can you come over?
Sex??
Sure but there’s also a squirrel in my garage I need you to take care of.
Randomize
