I think I could pass a breathalyzer. But with like a C.
I'm in new territory... I've never had to convince a guy to let me give him head as an apology.
I've spent the last three hours watching 30 rock and eating marshmallows and ham. I'm considering taking up weed to justify my lifestyle.
got so drunk i was kicked out of my own birthday party and tried taking a bottle of vodka with me
98% is good enough for me. Kinda like birth control. Worth the risk
I still can't believe you had sex with someone who willingly went by Peaches.
isn't that the guy who always buys you drinks?
yeah. i love a man who still buys me drinks after the bar cuts me off.
next time on intervention
I was trying to chase her off the carpet, but now there are figure-eights of cat vomit. everywhere
Perfect. Let's do that. I'm thinking everclear and green dye as our base. We shud start from there
Well, I saw an Olympian's genitals tonight, so it can't be that bad.
Ask me who hasn't showered since Sunday and just got cruised at the gas station on his way to work. I'm a terrible gay.
Sure go ahead and start this 'business' with him...just don't come crying to me when you have to fake your own death in two years
NOT ALL OF US HAVE THE HANDS OF GODDAMN ANGELS YOU KNOW
Hey I’m obsessed with Charlie Heaton from stranger things...not because he got caught at the border with coke...okay that’s a lot of it
There's a guy in a plaid shirt running around asking everyone if they want to head butt him
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