i just broke my key off in the door of my house because the engine wasnt starting
whats the weirdest thing you ever masturbated to?
King Triton
What drug did you take that made the cabinets scream at you?
At one point during the moaning he reminded me of Forrest Gump
Cumbucket.....OH MY GOD THAT COMES UP AUTOMATICALLY NOW!!
Im watching hello kitty on qvc debating if its a good idea to cook bagel bites on my space heater
i was just texting to let you know that my facebook chat is working again so you can talk to me more. please talk to me more.
Remember when I got my car stuck in my backyard?
I told him to pick up the beer can he threw in front of the police station. So he gets out chugs whatever's left and throws it back and says ok let's go.
Is girls night deemed a success when you piss the bed?
Whoops. I'm a horrible gf, I dropped the "I'm looking for jobs in a different city" bomb before I wished him a happy anniversary
Tomorrow's Mother's Day and the only thing I can afford is beer and the McDonalds dollar menu. Do you think a Budweiser and a Big Mac says thank you for me fucking up your life since 1990?
My mom and my boss just had a discussion on FB about the sexual habits of old people. The magic of the Internet.
How do u ask ur friend if shes keeping her kid but in a chill way
I fought off a bull with my bare hands while he went off to have sex with her against a wall. I’m more upset about the fact that no one is acknowledging what I did.
Randomize
