so i have my big date this weekend, and i was practicing giving head with a bottle in the shower. i stopped and looked at the botton of the bottle. it was PURE MOLD! if i die, dont tell the doctors how this happened....
it turns out jennifers body is not good to beat off to. yeah its megan fox but when she pukes up blood = goodbye boner
I guess I fist pumped too hard. I hit my mom in the face and now we're sitting in the ER.
When we told the nurse what happened, she replied with "OH, Well you don't look Italian to me!"
Just found out my mom tried to sue the birth control company when she got pregnant with me...love you too mom.
She loves me even though she knows all Ive done. Shes kind of like jesus.
I've come to accept that no matter where I step in our apartment, your underwear will be there.
He passed out on the floor and you kept hitting him in the dick and screaming "hammer of justice".
I'm pretty sure it all started going downhill last night when they suggested I see how much sambuca I could fit in my mouth
you say it like running around in your thong wasted is a bad thing
I woke up in the closet and then I found my shirt in a bag of Doritos... how does that work out?
Beer pong consisted of me throwing a ball at the wall and then falling over because moving my arm made me dizzy. I think our team lost.
I'm going to die alone in my chair and get eaten by my cat. That kind of break up.
He told me about how he pissed his pants last weekend like it was a normal part of conversation. Within 10 minutes I was going home with him. I think he put me under some kind of spell.
It's pizza for people who hate themselves. I rang the place up once i'd finished and told them if i was on death row it would be my last meal because by the time i'd got half way through it I would be begging to die.
But then I ordered two more because it was 2-4-1 and my life is a mess
youll appreciate my drinking habit one day...
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