i woke up with someone drivers licenses in my wallet this am...he said i don't have a business card so just take my drivers license
He's fat, has man boobs, and is uncircumsized. I feel like I won the last woman on earth prize.
my purse only fit my wallet or the martini shaker. it wasnt even a question of which i was bringing.
No that's sign language, not a drinking game. I tried to join
Lost another pound. Switching from beer to hard liquor did this body good.
I went to a bar in my pajamas last night. I'll be there again tonight in a wolf costume.
Finals week has gone away, doo dah doo dah, drink martinis naked day oh da doo dah day
Sorry I need more motivation then McDonalds and mojitos.
Beautiful wedding. Beautiful bride. I got shitfaced. Came home and ate two corndogs. I'm still single.
We are planning a drunk snapchat treasure hunt for tomorrow, and the treasure is his penis, this is a game I'm not willing to loose.
You have ruined sex with him for me. Now all I think is "boy scout" and I want to go home
Who doesnt want to be Yoda? I mean seriously, how sweet would that be? Live to 400, not give a shit about love and all that, know fucking mind tricks and smoke awesome swamp weed. I'm down.
He was standing in the living room wearing a Donald Trump wig and looking very disappointed
Just fell down the stairs..might wanna call the ambulance jus take the weed out of my pocket be4 they come..
Why yes, I DID want cramps for Christmas, how did you know God?
Randomize