I'm trying to bond with my sister... Its like getting to know a person I never met that I don't like
Todays outfit involves shorts with embroidered fish. This kids gonna die.
I don't think he's ever woke up with a paraplegic stripper sitting on his face before.
He bought me flowers. The card with it said: Sorry I cant get you off. I will try harder.
Try not to bring up the fact that I woke up and couldn't find my pants... He might get the wrong idea.
The only thing that makes me want to stop the affair is that I am the Monica Lewinksy in this triangle.
figured you should hear this from me. Your refrigerator door is way broken. I opened it last night when i was drunk and tried to climb the shelves. i got to the one with the mustard.
I woke up this morning with a wristband and I thought I went to the hospital last night I actually went ice skating instead
U were yelling that I wasn't generous or supportive. Then you kneeled and said this weird prayer about the windows and doors of your life.
you closed your eyes and pointed to a cupboard..there was vodka on the top shelf. your sixth sense is amazing. plus, we convinced the foreign kid you're a booze whisperer
I just spent 20 mins in the shower washing n rewashing my body to get rid of stripper. I even loofa'd my face.
What part of drinking with my mom makes you think i'd get naked
All of it
After finding out he was married when we were together, I don't trust him.
Just woke up to Siri reminding me that i need to kill the giant orange spider in my room, because it's sorcery and witchcraft is sacrilegious. Did you give me LSD again!?!??!
I can't be sure but I think I slept with a clown last night...
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