I thought smoking would make her look better, but all it did was enlighten me to her snaggletooth
Sounds like a blessing in disguise
so after all day drinking, we went to an all u can eat crab place and i was going from table to table surveying the crowd if they though the crab i was carrying around looked like the flying dog from never ending story...what the hell is wrong with me?
Thats about the time I should have known you would run around naked and try to make out with my sleeping mother
He googled "how long will i be drunk" and just started crying
Hes warming up week old McDonalds french fries, putting hot sauce on them, and counting them with his shirt off.
i think i left a case of beer in your dryer
I just handed the barista at Starbucks a panty liner instead of my card....maybe I should upgrade this Tall to a Venti...
I think I sprained my soul last night
My nose hurts from that stripper beating me with her tits
I like to balance the number of cups of coffee to bong rips in the morning before work.
You know its going to be a good day when you have to brush your teeth out of a cup in your room using the vodka and water mixture in your fridge because you're locked out of your restroom
And my cousin was so drunk he called an uber and instead he got into a cop car and they took him to the hospital
"He didn't answer my snap so I know he's arrested"
No, Ethan, handcuffs and friendship bracelets are not "basically" the same thing.
The logic in me says "don't text him" .But the vagina in me says "text him".
Randomize
