Ever since I got married, I've become the MacGuyver of masturbation
I'm proud of our boobs and what they could potentially achieve in life.
Like reprimanding the wall for "sneaking up on me" drunk
I always have trouble explaining my life decisions to people over the age of 30.
Most violent shit of my life. New Years resolution of eating better is already kicking me in the face.
Last I remember we played rock paper scissors for who would fuck the guy with cowboy boots on and I won..
took off my bra and popcorn fell out of it. im gonna puke at this wedding...
Question: what's the protocol for seeing your mistress walking alongside her clueless boyfriend? If you could answer this ten minutes ago, that'd be great.
I'm driving home wearing one sock, boxers, and a tee shirt. That's how good it was
Yeah she's a complete bitch. But I mostly hate her because she hijacked my fuck buddy.
You told his date she had the tits to be a stripper and the personality to be the pole. Of course he's pissed off.
I said I wanted pizza tattoo on my ass and the tattooist asked me what I wanted on it.
Hey! you should come over!
Who is this? The number is saved as "Sexy Awesome"
I told him I want him to read me my Miranda rights while he's fucking me. Act exactly like he does while he's on duty except with his dick out.
It's starting to get sad how I have this 'new beginning' feeling after every negative pregnancy test
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