just realized i've hooked up with 3/4 of the guys here COOL
Quick, to the slutcave!
i just woke up with two martini umbrellas taped to my nipples... idk how they got there
new years resolution: more sex, less car punching, more chipotle.
Is a Chipotle burrito an acceptable "sorry I ran over your cat" gift?
i feel this outfit says i'm better than you, but i might give you a handjob behind a building
I'd just like to give a shout out to jesus and plan b for making this day possible.
Everyone knows relationships are a winter sport
If her puking on your pool table is her sign of a good night, it's time to intervene.
so you ordered business cards online last night with a picture of your dick on them. you need to hide that new credit card when you drink
Dear God, please let me get my period. And if this one is fiercer than usual I completely understand.
Remember when we made out in a Chik-Fil-A drive thru?
The police report said i was screaming at someone that wasnt there, then the cops told me to call someone sober and i called mike to tell him "They are trying to arrest me for stealing information from the FBI" at that point they took me to jail.
Well that's very sweet of you. I have a strange feeling you're going to regret this when you sober up.
NO REGRETS FUCK DA POLICE
Jesus better clutch that motherfucking wheel, then.
I'M NOT PUTTING MY TRUST IN JESUS! I'M PUTTING MY TRUST IN YOU!
Randomize
