I cannot find my penis.
My Vagina smells like Nemo again.
i havent thrown up in four monthes, im clearly not drinking enough
i feel like my life is a cheap remake of American Pie
She sucked her thumb until she was 17. It's like my dick was born to be in her mouth.
Have you ever wondered what your stripper song would be?
Does he not understand that naked slip and slide needs supervision after dark?!
One fish gets drugged and suddenly I'm labeled a bad pet owner. This is so unfair.
There're making snowcones with the leftover vodka from last night. This is not the time to be making up excuses!
What did he say? I couldn't hear him over the sound of how awesome his beard is.
What should I say back?
Well, how do you want the conversation to go?
Straight into my pants.
The whole time you were apparently enduring your pukescapades, I was singing very loudly in the car to Beyonce on my way to get a post-coitus Diet Coke.
I'm handling the NHL draft worse than getting dumped this week
Also you know what's irritating? When the guy you're sleeping with refuses to like any of your Instagram posts
When we became besties with benefits we agreed I could still get dick
I didn't think I'd have to specify "not my Dad"
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