if i hear one more christmas song, i will fucking shoot myself.
Since when does wearing a condom and going down on me make someone a gentlemen?
I returned the dress. When they asked for the reason for return I said, 'I don't deserve to wear white'.
Actions speak louder than pants.
Your penis has nothing to do with my throat infection, sorry...
I was just expressing concern for your pickle consumption.
I was blowing him while he was singing Happy Birthday to his girlfriend on the phone. I win.
I had to ask. I mean when you get a snap chat of a nipple you have to ask who's it is.
Literally just had a girl put her street name into my phone. Yeah.
My dad made a joke about you sending me strippers for valentine's day so clearly everything here is normal
I was basically just fingering myself and thinking about space.
Riddle me this: How does one check in at the Marriott, but wake up at the W?
I'm glad you still love me even when I change pants in the kitchen and demand you spoon me
like I'd leave you in a situation like that..pfft. what kinda friend do you think I am?
...a stoned one.
You mentioned his name and i threw up a little.
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