We should go out drinking together soon
I'm still not going to have sex with you
You can't use the, "think about your future" line when trying to convince me to save some weed for tomorrow.
I'm functioning at the level of a challenged walrus.
I started making breakfast to subdue the hangover and last of the shrooms and only got as far as eating a half frozen pierogi out of a dixie cup.
I just had cybersex with some guy from the Netherlands for 2 HOURS instead of doing my History project...how's your break going?
the bruise you left on my ass looks like africa. the other just looks like a hand.
Operation: sleep in every bed at the boys' house is nearing completion. Now at 5/9. I AM GOLDILOCKS AND NO ONE CAN STOP ME
Thankfully US customs doesnt have a checkbox for bringing semen into the country because my hair would still be in CDC quarantine
Is "sorry I booted you out mid-fuck last night" a good icebreaker?
It's sitting in bleach right now. You will be the creepiest coolest dude in my book if you made a bracelet from my tooth.
He wanted me to come over on Christmas...inviting your fuck buddy over for the holidays is just something you don't do.
Check snapchat. Selfie game still on point mid vomit.
anyways, do you want to make more embarrassing memories that im bound to remind you about later and laugh about?
He heard our neighbor’s vibrator through the wall, knocked on her door and now they’re doing it
The blonde?!? That’s just unfair! His penis already has a fairy tale existence
I apparently sent an offer letter to, and then subsequently onboarded, the wrong candidate. How's your Monday?
Randomize
