I'm still drunk from last night...I walked out for a cigarette with one of the Janitors here and apparently someone took a shit on the stairs...Which makes me wonder...was that me?
Idk how she did it. Either she watches freakier porn than I do, or I really need to go get tested.
He looked me straight in the eye when he was fingering me last night...it was very serial killer.
as we waited for a manager to come open the door that we broke while having sex on the wall, we decided to go round two in the hallway before he came back.. god i love hotels.
I had sex with her like 200 times, and she was only pregnant once, those are pretty good statistics.
I feel like delivery guys should know that when you order lunch for one and answer the door wearing sweatpants, there's no need to say "Happy Valentine's Day."
I can't straight up say the only reason I smoked a couple bowls with you was for your three legged cat
Do you have any pictures of me mounting animals that aren't on Facebook?
Just visited the liquor store.... for the 4th time today. shits gonna get weird
Send me a pic of your kids to remind me why I have morals.
Well if your hearts not big enough, your penis certainly is. Just have a threesome
How early is too early to start drinking when studying for the bar?
If my vagina were a person, it just ran a marathon.
All I’ve had today is sex and water. I think it’s time for tacos.
She flirted with a pilot and a frat boy at the airport in Vegas and told our bartender his mask matched her panties so yeah I’d say she’s rebounding from the divorce
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