The paper boy just woke me up in the front yard again.
What's the point of having 3 fuck buddies when their periods all seem to sync up
I literally just wielded a katana to save a child's life. What did you do today?
I'm going to make an art book filled with pics of me peeing in every bar bathroom I've ever been in. Dedicating it to you. You're welcome.
This inappropriate post strip club text brought to you by Cheetah of Palm Beach and vodka. Blowjob in the champagne room and the clap for the low low price of your paycheck.
Ohhhh sweet! I may be down for that. I'll be a german beer girl probably passed out on a park bench somewhere.
I woke up this morning in the house, I didn't realize it was physically possible to duct tape a person to the wall...
OH DEAR GOD. He looks like if u licked him he'd taste like bourbon, sex and sunshine.
my roommate made out with a guy wearing a squirrel costume, equipped with a blow up tail. time to start harvesting nuts for the winter
You can't just be this socially awkward and sexually frustrated and jealous as a fucking demon and be expected to stay sober.
Thinking about wearing all black to the bar tonight since I'll be attending my liver's funeral.
Could you just like have a friend who feels bad for me and secretly always wanted to have sex with me
I mean I faked it but he could answer my texts
I was giving this fat lawyer a table dance and he asked me if I would be willing to play with his long, hard stick of the law. And you want me to stop drinking at work?
I think I deserve an award for the breakup text I sent him. Like a pulitzer prize or a donut or something.
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