your address is 607B right?
yeah why?
i need to tell the guy bringing over the flaming bag of dog shit where to put it
You all can go fuck yourselves. As far as I'm concerned, don't come back to karaoke.
In the middle of pouring my wine you asked me if I could hear your vibrator from my room.
It's an "im going to have to shit with the lights off" type of morning
I was mid-sentence and you stopped me and said, "Yeah.. for my vaginas sake, I'm gonna need you to stop talking right now."
The sad part is that if I don't get a random pic of your balls or ass or both every month, I start to worry that we're not friends anymore
showering high made me realize that i should seriously reconsider my career path... id be a damn good hair shampooer & head massager
When you have to have Siri remind you that you're on your period cuz you're so drunk you keep forgetting about tampons it might be time to call it a night.
you know she was a bad idea when your mom offers to pay for an eHarmony account
I tried to trade my phone for pizza last night. I guess I had priorities last night
my whole checking account just had a funeral down bourban street, paid for that, and then bought everyone 5 shots of fireball...
Its 7am I'm awake still drunk, there is food, random clothing and road cone in my room. I can't decide if this is a failure or a success???
90% sure I just opened a snapchat of you in a fuzzy bathrobe next to your ceiling collapsing
Ya’ll! My debit card got switched with my boss’ at lunch today (both Red Wells Fargo)....I realized it at whole foods AFTER I ran it for $100 at Vanity Room getting my vaj waxed 🤦🏻♀️🤦🏻♀️🤦🏻♀️. Most awkward IOU ever tomorrow.
I think you know you’ve caught feelings when you’re asking a tinder boy his opinion about your current fuck buddy.
Randomize
