The greatest thing of my life happened today. I took a shit and it formed a smiley face. It's going to be a fucking fantastic day.
How am I still drunk? Whoever said breakfast is the most important meal obviously didn't skip dinner and go drinking.
my family just sang happy birthday to baby jesus. no ones even drunk yet
you were just eating all his cookies and kept mumbling "them crumblies" when the crumbs got on your shirt.
woke up with the bag of wine duct taped to my shoulder.
She's like the Michael Jordan of alcoholism
That's unfortunate. Distance can be a stoner's greatest enemy.
You make it sound like a battle for Middle Earth.
My contribution to the dinner party was a bottle of vodka and a bag of uncooked potatoes. I felt like a Russian serf.
A pack of naked men just sprinted down the street screaming in German. It's 5 AM.
You told me "I need to pound this drinks if I'm going to pretend his dick is big enough" then left. Dollar night quotes 2012
There should be a rule. If your dick is under 6 inches, you are not allowed to dress as Thor.
I'm serious. I have boob tassles if this is an exchange thing.
i swear every fucking time i plan a party, one of our "friends" holds their shit in all week just to punch one off into the master bathroom after i pass out. it's almost like that dump you would see in a port a potty.
I kid you not. He let me in into his house, showed me the putt putt in his backyard. Offered to play me.
First aid class means get dry humped by moderately attractive college students during heimlich maneuver training.
Randomize
