She told me she only masterbates to Kenny Rogers songs.
OMG. What did u say?
I told her I did too.
I shagged another guy with one ball last night. Are there really that many dudes with one nut in la or am I just a magnet for prostetic testes?
You're always adorable, but when you're drunk, you're like Chia Pet adorable.
After she came with my hands around her neck, she sat there for a minute and gave me the scuba diving sign for a-ok.
Having him as a wingman is like telling the girl you already have aids
I was just told that i'm a premature cuddler. . . What does that even mean?
Whatever it is you failed
Never ever ever ever ever ever give your number to a 30 year old at buffalo wild wings. Ever ever ever.
I woke up in an empty bathtub with the wrong brother
He's a Shit stain on my heart
I think the worst was the guy who sent me YouTube videos about how age doesn't matter, and then a link for natural breast enhancements. Kill me.
im lying in bed trying to choke myself out because being awake hurts too much
I spent $31 at mcdonalds last night. Threw my nuggets all over the yard, ate them out of the snow, picked a fight about it, vomited, then passed out.
Naked.
Be safe. If you have intercourse with a boy use so many condoms this his penis is no longer recognizable.
I trusted a fart in Toronto. NEVER TRUST A FART IN TORONTO.
Did you at least know who's jizz it was?
That is questionable.
Randomize
