Seriously though, we're going to drink and watch Survivor first one to puke gets voted off the island
I would really like to get high with Bill Nye. I'm being dead serious. Every step I take is literally a step I take because it will take me closer to Science Guy high.
We could get him to build Inspector Gadget.
I didn't know you were high TOOOO!!!
I felt like a fire hydrant the vomit just kept coming out
My penis hasn't been this frustrated since I was like 13 and I awkwardly got boners at school dances
All that matters is I got the megaphone home safely
you just knocked on the window of the ambulance and waved at me as we drove away
He deleted all his profile pics with her. It was like the bat signal for single women everywhere.
Seriously, don't even. "Hi, have I seen you half naked covered in bright red body paint on the internet?" is NOT acceptable water-cooler chit-chat.
Aw.
You can achieve whatever you wish in your imagination with some help from drugs
When God was sprinkling self control to everybody, he ran out and was like ehhhh she'll make it!
First date was awkward. I think I just saw someone die.
It was somewhere in between an airport security patdown and a medical examination. No groping or squeezing, just brief pokes and pats.
YOU ARE THE ONLY PERSON I KNOW THAT STEALTH CLEANS PEOPLE TOILETS
I hate her so much I want to fuck her boyfriend.
You do realize last night you asked me if shampoo had an expiration date then cried for 15 mins when I told you it did
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