6:33 AM: I'm drunk at this time of morning.
U r making out with a 12 year old get ur shit together
Should I ask him to prom mid fuck? That way he has to say yes.
I was eating out this girl yesterday and when I finished, she asked me if I wanted to take any home with me. She was serious, dude!
What does that even mean?
Woke up in an unfamiliar basement in a sleeping bag with Matt to a police officer shining his flashlight in my eyes and asking me my birth date and social security number. My morning went swimmingly.
it's already thursday and i haven't gotten drunk yet...something's not right.
all i remember is being at the diner with her at 3am and her storming into the kitchen to make sure the chef gave me regular fries instead of home fries.
Well right now I am watching him use the fire extinguisher off the pourch.
Whoever decided it was a good idea to sell 40's at a bar with life-sized jenga deserves a nobel prize.
I'm just sayin' man be careful, that chick has castration written all over her.
What's the politically correct way of saying you've made someone your bitch?
I wore home his HoHoHo boxers. I've never felt such a connection to an article of clothing.
Everyone says I win the strip club
My six-margarita-deep ass just used a blow torch to light the match that lit my bong pack. Peak single 🤦ðŸ¼â€â™€ï¸
Okay, this next statement may sound like a red flag but I'm tellin you, shotgunning those two beers really helped me love my child more effectively. Honest.
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