Tell us when you see the semi truck on fire.
Sandwiches are there for you when porn isn't.
he told me that my best friend was "one the most attractive people he's ever seen" and wondered why he didn't get a blow job
When you passed out on the kitchen counter she brushed and flossed your teeth, then carried/dragged you to bed. Why aren't you married?
5am, I am wayy too drunk for this. Hookers came out of nowhere. They're like ninjas. Some poor soul got the fat one, tomorrow's going to be interesting...
Omg. The news was on TV while I was giving him a bj...when the weatherman said its a beautiful start to December, he groaned and said it sure is.
I just think that if you're going to run around naked outside, a feather boa should be involved. Half for the flair and half for an emergency cover.
my mom just said "if you had sex with someone you don't really like I'm going to be so mad at you" HOW DOES EVERYBODY KNOW
And if you put this on Facebook, I will drop live cockroaches in your mouth while you sleep and then smother you with a pillow.
You always say the most romantic things
My husband gave me a key to his house. I thinks this means we're getting kinda serious.
Driving, getting head and talking to your boss on the phone is not a good combination. I nearly died
Oh. My. God. I. Am. Going. To. Punch. Someone. In. The. Face. Immediately.
Mass text: dear whatever jerk off who thinks they stole drugs from me. It was birth control. Go fuck yourself. And pray that I don't get pregnant.
Who puts their birth control in a bottle with a smiley face?!
Oh fuck wait
PANTIES FOUND
I was left to my own devices with nothing to do but drink
Randomize
