I found the TV remote. It was in the washing machine along with the chicken wings you kept complaining to Domino's about that they 'never delivered'
There is something just so refreshing and wonderful about an uninterrupted morning poop in the office.
Try denying you're gay when "I'm Not A Girl, But Not Yet A Woman" comes on Shuffle.
Its really not funny anymore. I need to stop shaving while i'm drunk
Just learned the hard way that dicks can bruise the back of your throat to the extent that you cant eat. You're dead to me.
i did the responsible thing and pissed myself...
What was your penis's nickname in high school? Also, what was it's theme song?
So how does it feel getting boo'd by the entire 5 guys restaurant
we drunkly made out in the middle of the street beside the homeless guy playing the flute. Not how I imagined our first kiss.
Had to belly crawl across the floor to the toilet with my eyes closed to puke my life out without making my hangover worse. Three times.
I'm gonna keep a minimum of five drink promise to myself
You mean maximum 5?
I told him you're making deviled eggs for the party. Sisters make deviled eggs to get their sisters laid. It's science.
He fucked me in one of the back rooms at the club then gave me an altoid. I have mixed feelings about it still.
Tomorrow has nothing to do with the threesome
I am the one with the vagina. I get to call it.
I told the cop I was late for a booty call. He still gave me a ticket but he wrote his number on it
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