Far right against the wall..hiding come find me. dont tell oyhers hahaha
I locked my keys in my car in front of planned parenthood. I'm terrified of going inside to ask to borrow a clothes hangar.
Just tell them you need to fix a mistake real quick.
Highlight of the day: realizing the man in the car next to mine was getting road head... at 2:45pm... nicely done sir, nicely done.
My booty call got married. Come over before I start tagging all the places my dick has been in her wedding photos.
It's gonna be pretty hard to find a homeless person that takes crackers as currency.
No, we have matured. We've stopped having sex in front if his room mate.
In the sauna. Drunk. When I close my eyes I think I'm a dog. Is that wrong?
get back quick. that 17 year old who peed on your car wants to do shots.
My mom said she saw you at the bar last night and asked how you were. She said, you replied with, "Oh you know, just knocked up."
Figured I'd get right to the point
This is why I can't have Wednesdays.... Or adult decisions.
I want to be tan and drunk. Is that too much to ask for?
I knew deleting his texts was a bad idea and I was right. I just used the last time we talked to help me figure out when I had my last period
Why do I have a separate credit card just for booze? Because I saved enough points so Saturday we are flying to Denver to smoke legal weed and fly back in the same day.
the police dropped me off. that's how my night went.
So! As of five minutes ago I've officially masturbated in every room in my apartment
Dude, I helped you move in yesterday...
Randomize
