paul mccartney is starting to look like angela lansbury
It was like a mary poppins bag, except a sexual mary poppins bag.
no, there's no challenge. I live a humble lifestyle out of virtue.
You wear Armani Exchange.
I found a wheel chair. there is now a high chance im going to be fired from this job
yeah...i noticed he pets people when he's drunk. It's odd.
I guess she thought her walk of shame would be more dignified if she stole my dog
You are such a cockblock sometimes
You NEED a cockblock sometimes
Sorry about that whole "setting your deck on fire" thing.
Guess who won a bet and gets to name it Optimus prime if it's a boy
Nevermind. Totally worth it.
Nothing says "I support my fellow man" like taking your friends recently divorced dad to a strip club and bar hopping with us to get him laid by an upgrade.
usual friday morning routine. the pants i wore last night are in my passenger seat and im rooting through the pockets trying to make exact change at the dunkin donuts drive thru
I haven't been this unsober in a long time. I feel like I am observing myself. Like I am a test subject for alcohol. I wish my brain would shut up and let me be a normal drunk.
She sleeps with her hand around my balls. First I thought it was just a comfort thing. Now I think it's to make sure I can't slip away in the middle of the night.
Glad I can drunkenly remember to not get tomatoes on my Mexican pizza but can't tell a guy to keep his hands off my ass
I would say that that is the last time I ever drink a bottle of jack in two hours, but really who am I kidding?
Randomize
