No more parties with babies... I can't do that again.
so... my grandma just told me i should be a stripper
well at least shes not calling you fat anymore
I drank 13 shots. Which is unlucky. Which is why i threw up.
you threw up because you drank 13 SHOTS
the fact that he forgave me for making out with the bartender is proof that i can fuck my way out of anything.
All i remember is Liz dragging me home yelling at me, crying, and barfing
Tequila, beer, rum, gin, and vodka all mixed in my body last night. The whole "never turn down free booze" is catching up to me. Hungover = understatement of the year.
Zach, it's Lisa from work. Was that you yeiling BALLS DEEP at me on I-25 or is it just something about me that invites that from rando creeps?
He also complimented my butt. High praise coming from a boob guy.
I'm glad there seems to be a general consensus regarding your ass
It's 1am and I'm on LSD and I have diarrhea in a Dunkin Donuts. Help me
In the name of friendship, I’m going to kick your children into the ocean.
So now I know what having sex while surrounded by chickens feels like.
I just realized I haven't looked at our horoscopes lately. If mine says anything about tweakers, I'm burning my phone.
Oh shit oh shit oh shit.
BURN THE PHONE.
All our friends are getting married, and I'm the dateless guy bringing molly to their weddings.
We had a pink drink in honor of my underwear and apparently I made out with our bartender... a few times
He’s going to a lawnmower race. I got a Brazilian and he’s racing a lawnmower race. Pick me up. I’m not wasting this waxing on John Deer
Randomize
