While she was crying about breaking up, he looked at her through his fork and said "of course she's upset, she's in jail." Having sex with him tonight.
Can someone please explain to me why I woke up looking like Ziggy Stardust
So my professor just changed my Final to 7:45am on May 6th. Shouldn't a Spanish professor understand the implications of Cinco de Mayo???
Having a dry hump session to Alvin and the chipmunks surprisingly didn't kill the mood. He's that good.
Tonight will be judged a success if I walk out without having thrown up on my shirt.
Her stepmother interrupted our sex to tell her it was midnight and she wanted to do a sympathy shot for her 50th.
Don't break up.
When I said 'i love my boyfriend' I didn't mean 'send me a picture of your penis'.
I've been on this train for an hour and this women has been on the phone and all she's said is "guuurrrrrlllll, gurl, gurl." I may commit suicide.
Her next conquest seems to be stealing her ex-boyfriend's new girlfriend. Pretty sure everyone involved is totally OK with this.
I'm not entirely sure that the guy that just texted me is not on drugs right now. I'm also not entirely sure that he isn't about to be incarcerated.
I think the only context in which I'd be comfortable being kidnapped is by a band of baby sloths
there was a goddamn geisha at house. my dick feels more cultured.
i just remember that i was on top of him and he wasnt contributing to the event much.. god i hope he wasnt asleap.
I was writing 'DISTRACTION' across my chest in Sharpie when my boob fell out. Right on camera.
Blow Jobs and the Patriots Playing I think I’m going to marry her
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