I just saw a girl play flip cup with only her tongue
I'm in love
So instead of cumming in her, I peed in her...
What did she do!?
I didn't tell her...
So remember when i bet you that girl uses dick to validate her existence?
...yea
She's valid.
i just realized i've hooked up with every boy in this taco bell
That's the classiest thing you've ever said.
everyday i become more and more impressed with my facebook stalking skills
Somewhere at this very moment, a group of drunk white girls are singing dont stop believing.
of course not. I do my best teaching on a hungover monday. I did the research. im still okay with the direction in which my life is headed.
You can't start the super bowl without starting a kitchen fire making cole slaw. Its unamerican.
I don't even want to know
If you've never been pounded by an Eastern European body builder, I would highly recommend it.
And regarding bottomless mimosas stopping at 1 pm, there was a chick who drove her car into the back of the bar. Blame that bitch, not you peeing in the koi pond.
Official reason: I couldn't get time off. The real reason: last Xmas nearly ended in alcohol poisoning to prevent me from screaming like a velociraptor
Took pain meds with RumChata this morning. It's like morning milk but better
Why didn't you ever bring me to the pope as a baby so he could kiss me.
He totally fucked me in his Chewbacca socks
OH MY GOD YOU GUYS I JUST FOUND OUT I HAD PHONE SEX THE OTHER NIGHT
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