So for his birthday I'm planning on doing what stripper did when she put the matches on her nipples..lights them n makes him blow them out..SEE I AM dating material.
Honestly there's alot of things I'm confused about the only thing I know for certain about last night is that I ate pizza
I'm at a crab and wine festival with my dad. He just introduced me as his girlfriend to all of his co-workers. I am so drunk I thought he was serious.
i barely touched his dick and all of a sudden he yells, "BONER!"
I thought she was mad at me, but then we did a pose off and I realized we're friends for life
He was a level 5 clinger dude i dont need to be told how ridiculously awesome i am all the time, if so id just hang out with my mom
We met on a dual walk of shame. It has to be love, we can't let that go to waste. I want to tell our children that story.
Awkward interaction of the day: Staring at some guy trying out if he is or is not the guy that woke me up yesterday by getting arrested in front of my apartment.
Yeah, surprised you made it on time this morning. Remarkable, considering 2 hours ago you were pretending to be talking window curtains.
Woke her up in the middle of the night with the smell from a fart. So proud of my colon.
I don't know how that blunt survived being in your pocket all night but you pulled it out at 4 am in 7/11 and tried to fire it up. Zero fucks given
Apparently I was drunk enough to call he police station and ask if there was a problem with me.
I can't decide which is better: the sex, or remembering that I have ice cream in the freezer after he left
I legit feel like I had sex with Joey Fatone. Is that weird?
OMG OMG OMG Ive hit the penis jackpot
It seriously took everything in my power not to sleep with him
What did it come out and serenade you? Lol
It sang to me in the dark. It was magical
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