My e-date is really photogenic. Real-life not so much
I got drunk at the beach today. I got the word Badass! tatooed all the way across my foot. Probably a bad idea.
I just didn't expect you to be so naked....
plan parent hood is for high school, im at the abortion clinic, so college.
the teacher just ate a hash brownie and passed out on the bus best field trip 2010'
It went from "haha, this will be funny" to "full blown anime porn fetish"
i'm surprised you didn't wake up. like i literally came when he was fingering me as i was spooning with you and all you did was mumble "that's a good idea, mom" and pull the sheets away from me.
We started a mustache riot at white castle at 4 in the morning. Will explain in detail.
I keep reminding myself that my vagina isn't a homeless shelter.
I just woke up to three voicemails from you. In the first one you just straight laughed for 3 minutes. In the second you did bird calls. In the third you were hysterically crying. Have fun last night?
There was a sweat stain in the shape of a fast chick with low standard on your bathroom floor
I am incapable of maintaining a guy's interest in me. It's like erectile dysfunction but with feelings
I need to stop acting like a porn star that isn't getting paid
Let's get drunk and take out your tonsils tonight
I gave her two orgasms and then we laid there and she ate jelly beans out of my belly button...that girls a keeper
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