someone took a shit in my car last night and left $5 on the seat...
He asked if it was my vagina. I told him it was my butt. Clearly I need to buy him a map of the female form.
i might have gotten away with it if "don't tase me bro!" wasn't the first thing i said when i rolled down my window.
I'm so cold I just used my boobs to keep my face warm
Just remembered getting lost in a "shortcut" through yards and GPSing my way home last night
You are the alcoholic guardian angel of raccoons
She said she'll drive over, bang, and then head home. It's like ordering a pizza.
I think these people may actually be nudists. You know it's bad when I feel uncomfortable.
spending today hungover and untagging myself from all the pictures of me kissing girls so grandma doesnt have a heart attack. how was your new years?
You're a five foot adderall and caffeine fueled ball of sexual frustration and suppressed rage. It's only a matter of time before you snap. We're taking bets on when.
Well I mean enduring a 45 minute conversation about C-sections was worth the 9 jello shots those soccer moms gave me.
sigh, if only his dick was as big as his mouth
Throwing up into Nora's potty chair while simultaneously having beer shits was truly the highlight of my Christmas season.
Is it fucked up to venmo someone for plan-b?
Well when you come back we can have a huge bitch fit...or get really drunk....whichever comes first
Randomize