dear life, i get it, drinking is not a contest
Dude, I think my check liver light just came on
I closed that bar. Sang every Beatles song in the book. Made Somoan friends.
Just found out I slapped a vegan in the face with meat last night.
My mom just said we needed to put weed into our earthquake kit.
Just got a hand job during Charlie St.cloud I honestly never thought Id thank Zac Efron fir one of his movies but thank you
thats what you get for writing a paper after liquor pitchers
its only a rough draft.
There are not enough shots in the world for this. We walked in and they shouted "the pilgrims are here!" And then someone handed me a turkey leg the size of my arm.
why did I try to FaceTime with 311 last night?
now that you've tased me I refuse to buy you flowers
Haha yeah my head's fine..sorry about the dent in your fridge.
Your brother slept on my deck. There was a key under the mat. Relapse party success.
If I got to choose how I die, it would be in an Olympic sized pool of gin and tonic.
Please don't explain what tea bagging is to my mother.
I’d say they were worth it. He screamed “your tits are fanfuckingtastic!”while he was cumming
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