The guy i fucked last week got done first on the test in my 900 person class. If im pregnant at least it will be smart.
his tattoo said carpe diem which i thought was ironic considering his epilepsy
he yelled at me for calling the fat girl fat. if I can't call out fat girls to my brother who do i have?
I always know the weekend is over when the real license comes out and the fake goes back into the hiding spot.
we took shots then she made me eat a dill pickle with cream cheese wrapped in a piece of turkey.
Fuck morning classes and our weekday drinking habits.
Not going to lie: not even the fact I'm wearing men's cargo pants can hide the fact I have an awesome ass.
he said "I would have fucked you in the chipotle bathroom" and I can't get over how awesome that would've been
I'm very impressed by your ability to explain a story about your fiery snatch solely in emojis. props.
Just once I'd like to go out and not have to tell you to put your pants back on.
Guys are like someone else's baby; i'll play with them but if responsibility is involved i'll hand them off.
Just fell out of the attic onto the garage floor. Okay but might go for an x ray. Smashed one of the kitchen drawers to bits.
Holy Shit Mom
I'll tell you all about it in person but let's just say the big dick fairy must really like me right now
Wearing panties to a party gives you a whole new perspective on life.
Pandora played an ad for a free trial for an abortion pill if you’ve had unprotected sex in the last 2-3 days and then Lucky came on... I literally am dying laughing
Randomize
