Mr ***** is in bed with his super hot wife giving her 18 inches of pleasure
Dude?? where did you go after Wildcats last night? Last I heard you went off with one of the girls we danced with?
Negative - This is his GF, Bobby is in Jail for a DUI. Thanks for the info.
i may or may not have been spotted by tourists while getting head in the vicinity of the jefferson memorial
i am so afraid to go to the bathroom. i am afraid i am going to fall asleep on the toillet.
Special does not even begin to describe that text.
What are you drinking?
Shitty Coors light. OM NOM NOM TASTES LIKE HIGH SCHOOL
how do I set my phone to only ring when I'm asleep when sex is certain?
Can we reminisce? I held a mans penis while he peed. This is the craziest night I've ever had.
official worst smell ever. a used condom that has gone through the dryer.
The hot Japanese girl in my class just said her "favorite sexy American actor is Nick Cage." That, I can work with.
My fave moment of today was you sitting in a hot pink innertube puking into the ocean in front of a lot of children. i would have held your hair back but the ocean did it for you.
I was up all night on suicide watch. Dave was wasted and tried to strangle himself. With his own hands.
After so many times of carrying your puked covered clothes home in a bag on a Tuesday morning, you begin to realize that Fucked Up Mondays aren't a real thing.
Yeah i was handcuffed to the bed all night but i actually slept like a baby
I give all credit to my lucky thong, there's never a time I haven't gotten laid while wearing it
Idk if my headache is from the alcohol, the pot brownies, or being dragged down 8 flights of stairs by my ankles because i passed out in the 12th floor girls bathroom by you. Probably a combo of all three.
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