Turns out, Windex will cut right through semen stains on a computer case.
Do you remember when I jumped into your arms and you farted?
I'm like cupid
You're a whore with a bow and arrow
New discovery: conditioner is better for jerking off than baby oil. Fuck yes.
I shouldn't have to say "get your balls off my counter" on a Wednesday.
I shouldn't trust a guy I just met with the pull out method. That's a big responsibility.
my pupils became my eyes and i slept with a cloth in my mouth again
Hey, don't think you remember me but we met last night. I'm conducting a survey this morning its only one question: Have you seen Rob since 1am?
Well it's official, last night I hooked up with the third girl from the apartment downstairs.
Dude that's a hat trick!
I know, I tossed my hat on the floor as I was walking out.
He came on my pillow pet. That's unacceptable. I hate boys.
On the bright side, only one more day until we aren't sober anymore.
I hope every time you eat hashbrowns you think about me, the awesome sex we had and how great we could have been.
He saw me naked after our first date and still asked for a second.. so I think we’re doing good
You threw him in the dryer?
He went in of his own accord. Mumbled something about experiencing the blossoming of popcorn.
.......do you have the salami in bed? I'm trying to make a sandwich.
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