Did your girl go home? Did she have fun? Can we have our friend back?
I feel like our bond as friends is a lot stronger now that I've talked to you on the phone while having sex.
Her life must suck. All she's got is "Miss Shamrock" WHICH SHE LOST!
he went down on me with a nose plug on, you tell me how it went
if you want blown tonight you're gonna have to take me up on that offer now. in less then 45 minutes you're gonna be blacked out and i'm not doing something i'm not getting credit for in the morning.
It's hard to take you serious when you're crying your eyes out wearing an adult sized onesie.
they had to hand cuff you because you wouldn't stop trying to unzip the paramedic's pants...this is why i love you
I have the most nasty and explicit wet dreams of my boss that I'm embarrassed to look him in the face. I'd be pregnant or promoted if he only knew
Yeah, reverse cow girl. She was on top and I was playing Flappy Bird behind her back. Easiest way to have angry sex.
Drinking from the bottle. In bed. Making dinosaur noises. Oh man.
If it snows I'm making an igloo and getting wasted in it
If he would've shaved his beard when we first broke up, getting over him would've been so much simpler. That asshole.
I'm sitting here with a heating pad and a fan on me eating snow caps off of my boobs
I could tell my life story through kermit memes
We couldnt find you anywhere and when you finally answered your phone all you said was "im safe"
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