i wish we had morning classes together so we can spike our coffee.
dude i've broken up a marriage, I think I can handle a simple engagement.
We stole a cat. That is all you need to know.
Would it be weird if I told you I thought of you when I masturbated?
Looks like I'm more than just your Mexico mistake...
Show him your tits if he says no
They're not help-me-out-of-jams tits. They're I-fake-people-into-thinking-they-look-good tits.
Luckily my prof thought I was puking from nerves and gave me motivational mini speeches the entire final.
you had acid sex with the barista. why is my bucket list your tuesday?
You gave me balls I gave you half a boob. Fair trade
If you're wearing dry underwear your day is already better than mine.
I just came inside of a Gatorade bottle. That hungover.
Nope, can't do it. It's a snowball effect. Today, leggings as pants. Tomorrow, female hitler. Natural progression.
So we just accidentally broke into a building from the third floor while carrying shovels. The security guards are still very confused
Goddamn right, I may not survive the apocalypse, but my eyebrows fucking will.
come pick your gf up from my house. she's sitting in the fridge and hissing at the cat to let her eat the potatoes. btw i dont have a cat
I left the party 20 min ago..just thought i would tell you so you wouldnt think i fell in the lake again
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