Just got caught pissing on a plant in her room while she was in the shower first word out of my mouth were my bad
he yelled "RELEASE THE KRAKEN" then hit me with his dick
just mention it in a side comment sometime today... like oh by the way i have a daughter but um yeah my day was good
that's the nicest way anyone's ever asked me to send them naked pics before...
you have a wonderful penis attached to someone I'm having a lot of problems with right now
Walking out of our apartment this morning to go to class, I saw a sticky note on the front door that said "get tested." The door was unlocked so did you bring some stranger back last night? I'm assuming you weren't referring to me...
Why would you fall asleep? This is why i cant drink with my lesbian friends anymore. They take my clothes off and get vodka in my top ramen. Only yoouuu can prevent forest fires.
I ripped the door frame off last night too. Just remembered.
Just walk of shamed past a 5 year old on my way out of my booty call. He waved at me. Is this the single life I've been missing?
I just got into the cab. It smells like weed and the driver looks like someone who may or may not be really talented at playing the saxophone. He also asked me my thoughts on porn when I told him I'm an actor. I might not make it home.
I gave you the craziest sex experiences of your life, the least you could do is let me keep the sweater.
you guys have a strange definition of the word fun. I would have said dangerous, terrifying, or life-threatening. of course, bowling can now be described the same way.
I just asked him what would happen if my boobs fought crime. I think I'm cut off.
I was trying to drink every time they said planned parenthood but my body isn't cut out for this.
i ran into the Jo the housecleaner earlier this morning. i mentioned i had a little hangover and she asked what the occasion was.. i replied "Tuesday" without thinking. she judged the shit out of me.
Randomize
